I Hate Myself For Losing You
by Sasha.Rizzoli
Summary: A Songfic for I Hate Myself For Losing You' by Kelly Clarkson. Olivia thinks about the fight she had with Elliot, causing him to leave her and go back to Kathy. Rated M for some bad words.2 Parter! Minor errors fixed!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I was bored, so I decided to write another songfic. Please read and review. I don't own anything!**

**I woke up**

**Woke up wide awake**

**In an empty bed**

**Staring at an empty room**

**I have myself to blame**

**For the state I'm in today**

Olivia woke up two mornings after she had a fight with Elliot and it was the morning after she'd found out she'd possibly lost him forever.

Olivia and Elliot had been dating for nearly a year; it had been good until Olivia began having mood swings a couple weeks before. She'd had a major mood swing two days before which caused the argument between her and Elliot, the one that caused her to lose him.

_Flashback_

_Elliot and Olivia were sitting at their desk finishing up DD5s, when Elliot looked up at Olivia, he was desperate to know what was bothering her._

"_Liv?"_

_She didn't reply, she didn't even move a muscle, so he tried again._

"_Olivia!"_

_She looked up at him, slightly dazed._

"_Huh? What's wrong, El?"_

"_Are you ok, Liv?"_

_Olivia nodded and put on a fake smile. "Yeah, I'm great"_

_Elliot didn't believe her. "Liv…"_

_Olivia pushed her chair back as she stood, angrily. She was pissed and Elliot could tell. "What?! I'm fan-fucking-tastic. Just stop asking would ya!"_

_Elliot just nodded in shock at her sudden outburst, he had never seen her that angry especially at him. She ran upstairs to the rooftop and he went up there to check on her about 10 minutes later. He found her looking over the edge, crying._

"_Liv? Liv, what's wrong?"_

_Her upset mood had just ended and went back to angry. "Would you stop fucking asking me what's wrong?! I'm fucking fine, got it?!" she yelled before running back in to the building and downstairs to the squad room. She grabbed her coat and purse and ran out of the precinct, leaving a shocked, angry and hurt Elliot still standing on the rooftop. He was sick and tired of her mood swings._

_End Flashback._

**And now dying doesn't seem so cruel**

**And oh, I don't know what to say**

**And I don't know anyway, anymore**

**I hate myself for losing you**

**I'm seeing it all so clear**

**I hate myself for losing you**

Olivia got out of bed and wiped away her tears as she walked in to the bathroom, where she used the toilet and had a shower, most of her time in the shower was spent crying. She was so depressed over losing Elliot, she loved him so much.

After her shower, she walked in to her bedroom and stood naked in front of the mirror, standing sideways with her hand resting on her slightly swollen belly, as she flashed back to the day before in her mind.

_Flashback_

_Olivia walked in to the squad room, the morning after the fight with Elliot, to find his desk was empty, she couldn't believe it. She was so hurt and angry._

"_What have I done?" she asked herself in her head over and over again, until her thoughts were interrupted by Captain Cragen._

"_Olivia. Olivia! My office now!"_

_She nodded and walked in to his office, he shut the door behind her. Olivia could see just how pissed off he was._

"_Olivia, sit down"_

_Olivia folded her arms on her chest. "I'd rather stand" she answered coldly._

_He nodded and rubbed his hand together._

"_Olivia, what happened between you and your partner yesterday?" he asked concerned._

"_I…Um…Accidentally snapped at him"_

_Cragen nodded as he pulled out a letter from his desk. "This is from Elliot to you" he said as he passed her the letter._

_She stood there and opened it, then looked at Cragen before reading it._

'_Dear Olivia,_

_I'm so sick and tired of your mood swings lately, so I've gone back to Kathy to help with the kids. I still can't believe that our relationship had to end this way, but it has. But just remember that I will always love you deep in my heart._

_Love Elliot'_

_Olivia was sobbing so hard, as she read the letter, but as soon as she finished reading it she began to shake, before her knees eventually gave out and she fainted._

"_Olivia!" Cragen called to her as he went to her side and dialled 911._

"_This is Captain Cragen of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit at the 1-6 precinct. I have a detective, who has just fainted"_

_Cragen stroked her cheek and brushed her hair away from her face, as he waited for the EMTs to help the detective, who he thought of as a daughter._

_He was so worried about her._

**I hate myself for losing you  
What do you do when you look in the mirror**

**And staring at you is why he's not here**

**You got what you deserved**

**Hope you're happy now**

'**Cause every time I think of both of you it's killing me**

**And I dread each day**

**Knowing that I can't be saved**

**From the loneliness of living without you**

_Olivia regained consciousness in the ambulance._

"_Detective, are you pregnant? Asked the male EMT._

_Olivia nodded and groaned in pain from her massive headache._

"_Ok, detective, we'll be at Mercy General soon –" he began to say only to be interrupted by a panicking Olivia._

"_Is my baby ok? Please tell me that it's ok" she cried hysterically._

_The female EMT on her other side began to caress her arm. "Calm down honey. Getting worked up isn't good for your baby"_

_Olivia nodded and wiped away her tears as she began to calm down._

_She was released from the hospital that night, after being told that she was just suffering shock and was told to take it easy for the baby's sake, especially since she was only 12 weeks pregnant, she didn't want to miscarry._

_End Flashback._

**And oh, I don't know what to do**

**Not sure that I'll put through**

**I wish you knew**

**I hate myself for losing you**

**And oh, I don't know what to do**

**Not sure that I'll pull through**

**I wish you, I wish you knew**

**And oh, I don't know what to say**

**And I don't know anyway, anymore**

**No, no**

Olivia looked at herself one last time in the mirror and rubbed her slightly swollen belly, in which her and Elliot's baby was growing inside. He didn't know about the baby yet, she was still trying to find the courage to tell him.

"What would he do? What would he say?" She asked herself as she rubbed her belly.

She sighed and got dressed; she hated herself right now.

**What do you say, when everything you said**

**Is the reason why he left you in the end**

**How do you cry when everyday you said**

**Don't ever bring him back again**

**I hate myself for losing you**

**A/N: Please review, could become a two shot on request! If people what to see Elliot's reaction to Olivia's pregnancy.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I decided to make this in to a 2-shot! So here is the second chapter. Please read and review!**

**I own nothing!**

**And thanx a lot to xXBlissfulCursesXx (who is one groovy chick), I now have 'Rooftops' by Lost Prophets stuck in my head. LOL!!**

Olivia went through 3 more months of her pregnancy and morning sickness before she finally had the courage to go see Elliot and tell him that she was going to be a father again. A father to her child. Since Olivia had been slim to begin with, she looked a bit big for 6 months. But she was 25 weeks and counting.

She decided to tell Elliot on a sunny Saturday afternoon. She got up and had a shower. She dressed in a long purple maternity top and comfy black maternity yoga style pants before slipping on a pair of black slip-on shoes.

Olivia got Elliot's new address from Captain Cragen the night before at work before she left. But only after she told Cragen that Elliot was the father.

"_Captain, could I please have__ Elliot's new home address? She asked sitting on the chair in front of his desk with her hands resting protectively on her swollen belly as the baby moved around._

_Cragen sighed. "And why do you need that, Olivia?"_

_Olivia rubbed her belly and looked around Cragen's office before looking back at him and replying. "Elliot is the father of this baby" she replied rubbing her belly again._

_Cragen was in shock, he hadn't expected that, he thought the baby's father was so guy that Olivia hadn't mentioned. "Oh. And you want him to know about the child?"_

_Olivia nodded. "I think that he has a right to know that he has conceived a child with me"_

_Cragen nodded in agreement as he looked in to an address book and wrote down the address for her._

_He passed it to her as she stood. "Thanks" she replied and left._

She was shaking with nervousness as she pulled up in from of the 2 story house with 2 bicycles out the front, one purple, one blue. Olivia guessed that they belonged to the twins, as she awkwardly got out of the car and shut the door behind her.

When she approached the door, she knocked and was relieved when Elliot answered.

His eyes were wide open in shock when he saw her, but then his jaw dropped in surprised when he saw her swollen belly.

"Wow, Liv. You're pregnant?"

She was about to reply, but then Kathy came up behind him with a newborn baby in her arms wrapped in a baby blue blanket, so she just nodded.

After a minute of awkward silence, Olivia spoke again. "Ah….I guess I'll be going" she turned around walked away but before she could open the driver's side door, Elliot gently grabbed her arm and she turned to face him.

"Ah…Um…"

"Yes Elliot, you are the father"

Elliot rubbed his temple and sighed. "Ah, wow. How far along are you?"

"25 weeks with a girl, that I am naming Tahlia Serena"

He nodded as he gently and cautiously put a hand on Olivia's big belly and was reward with a swift kick. His eyes lit up, but then all of a sudden he pulled his hand back like her belly was hot or something. "Sorry, Liv, but I can't be there for you or Tahlia. I already have 5 kids to take care of"

She didn't say a word, just let a few tears fall as she quickly got in to her car and started the engine.

"Liv!" Elliot banged on the window and tried to open the door but she had locked it. "Liv!" he tried again, but she just ignored him and drove off. She was so hurt that Elliot didn't want to be there for her or their daughter.

She sat at home on the couch about an hour later, watching the TV, when her mobile phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, it said Elliot. She let it ring out and then turned it off, only for him to ring her house phone, she ignored that too. Elliot's voice came up on the answering machine.

"Hey Liv, I know you're home and ignoring me. I'm really sorry that I can't be there for you or Tahlia, but I will pay child support. Please, don't be a stranger"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Olivia began to cry again. "I want you to help care for our daughter, Elliot! Not just fucking pay child support!" she yelled out her anger at no-one.

Olivia didn't see or hear from Elliot for the last 3 months of her pregnancy. She was still hurting.

Early one morning at about 5am, she began having contractions, so she caught a cab to Mt Sinai Hospital and called Casey on the way. Casey had promised to be there for her.

"Casey Novak" she answered half asleep.

"Hey Case, it's Liv, sorry to wake you…..I'm in labour… I'm on the way to Mt Sinai ---- Ahhh!"

"Oh my Gosh, Liv. I'm on my way, honey"

Casey met Olivia there about 30 minutes later and was there with her rubbing her back through every contraction for the next 14 painful hours until the doctor said that it was finally time to push.

The doctor sat at the end of the bed in between Olivia's legs. "Ok, time to push, Olivia"

Olivia nodded and pushed. "Ahhh!"

Casey continued to rub her back during the contractions and occasionally whispered encouraging words, but mostly kept quiet, because she didn't want to annoy her and Olivia was very grateful that her best friend was there for her throughout her whole pregnancy and now for the birth.

Olivia painfully kept pushing for about 15 minutes before the doctor told her only one more push.

"Ok, Olivia, the head's out. One more"

Olivia nodded and grabbed a hold of Casey's hand again as she pushed with her last ounce of energy. "Ahhhhhh!"

And her daughter finally made her presence known. "Waaa!"

"It's a girl, congratulations" the doctor said as she placed the wailing baby on Olivia's belly.

"Hello Tahlia Serena Benson" she whispered as she caressed the tiny baby's cheek.

She held her precious daughter for about 10 minutes before she was taken for tests and a bath.

Olivia looked up at her best friend with a huge smile, even though she was exhausted. "Thanks so much, Case"

Casey smiled back down at an exhausted Olivia. "You're welcome. Anytime, Liv"

"Could you please tell Elliot that Tahlia has made her arrival?"

Casey nodded. "Sure, get some sleep"

Olivia drifted off to an exhausted sleep and Casey left.

She bumped in to one of the nurses that were in the delivery room. "Hi, could you please tell me Tahlia Benson's weigh? I'm about to call her father and let him know"

The friendly, young blonde haired nurse smiled. "She weighs 7 pounds 10 ounces"

"Thanks" Casey said and walked off to the public phone in the waiting room.

She dialled Elliot's mobile number and he answered after 3 rings.

"Stabler"

"Hey Elliot, it's Casey"

"Hey Case, what's up?"

"I thought that I would inform you that Olivia just gave birth to a baby girl about 20 minutes ago. Tahlia Serena Benson weighing in at 7 pounds 10 ounces"

Casey heard Elliot sigh before he spoke again. "Does Liv want to see me?"

"I'm not sure, Elliot. She's still pretty hurt, but she did ask me to call you"

"Ok, I'll come see her and the baby in the morning"

"Ok, bye"

"Bye"

The next morning, Elliot walked in to Olivia's hospital room to find her burping Tahlia, so he guessed that she had just finished nursing her.

Olivia looked up when she noticed a presence and someone looking at her. Her calm but hurt eyes looked up at Elliot and he instantly saw the pain that he had caused her.

"Go home to your wife and kids, Elliot"

He didn't listen; he walked up to the bed and sat in the chair beside it. "I left Kathy, Liv, about a month ago. I realised that I was too in love with you, couldn't live without you"

Olivia sighed as she rocked her newborn daughter to sleep. "You really hurt me, El"

Elliot nodded. "I know, babe and I'm really sorry"

"Wanna hold her?" Olivia asked.

Elliot nodded as he stood up. "Yes, please"

Olivia passed tiny Tahlia to her father and he sat back down in the chair and continued to rock her to sleep.

"Elliot, it's gonna take a long time for me to forgive you" she whispered as she watched Elliot rock their daughter and whispering to her.

Elliot looked up at Olivia from their newborn daughter and nodded. "I know. And I'm willing to do anything to regain your trust, Liv. I love you so much"

Olivia began to cry tears of happiness. "I love you too, El. And I love the daughter that you have given me"

"And I'm glad that you are her mother"

**A/N: Well that's it! Let me know whatcha think!**


End file.
